Late Night Letter

Jerry Jones writes Vontaze Burfict.

Vontaze,

Ask yourself this one question, “Is God’s plan for me really to be a Bengal? Are Bengals a scary animal or are they a cute and domesticated pussy? Is Cincinnati famous for its football or is it famous for its fast food chili?” And lastly, “Has Marvin Lewis ever won a playoff game?”

To my understanding you’re already suspended for the first three games of next season due to your repeat offender status. Wanna know what else they call a repeat offender? No I don’t mean in terms of you just being a normal fella repeat offending American laws. In that case you’d probably be locked up in prison somewhere and your nickname would depend on the role you took on once in the pen. No, what I mean is do you know what they call a repeat offender in the NFL? That’s right. A Dallas Cowboy. Just ask your boy Pacman.

Anyway, don’t wet your britches here, but I am writing you this letter to express my interest in you becoming the next face of America’s team. Think along the lines of those new commercials for the “Superman vs. Batman” movie that’s fixin to come out. Two famous characters with a well documented history of violence, yet still fighting for the same cause when it really comes down to it. Actually now that I think about it, you’d technically only be one of two faces of the team—so only half the face of the team. By the way, have you ever met Greg? Regardless, here’s what you need to know about me. I’m an oil millionaire, football billionaire, and personal friends with Jesus. He’s been heading up our janitorial staff on the 5th floor here for the last four months. I’m pretty sure he hopped over that line illegally but gosh darn, that boy just keeps his head down, mouth shut, and cleans rugs better than anyone we’ve had up here in 20 years. Yesterday I tried to ask him where he put the remote, but apparently the child don’t speak a lick of english.

But back to my point, let me give you a quick rundown of what I can do to keep you in the NFL for much longer than you ethically deserve. My PR guy says the only way you can salvage any respect you have left in this league is by doing a whole hay barrel of charity work. With this in mind, let’s take a moment to thank the good Lord that my PR guy has absolutely no say in any matter pertaining to the Dallas Cowboys. Nope, I’m the mastermind behind this operation. Operation Jerry. Did you know they call our stadium Jerry World? It’s like Disney, except for grown men looking for an excuse to watch other grown men run into each other. And charity work? I ain’t laughed that hard since Tom Landry looked me in the eye and told me he wanted to retire a Cowboy. We don’t need you burning any extra energy doing charity work. Not in 2016. Not in Texas. Instead, the moment you touch down at Dallas Fort Worth International I’m going to get you a sit down interview with that Harvey Milk fella who just published the article about my personal friend slash business partner El Chapo. I mean just think about it, Angelina Jolie is out there in Cambodia right now probably breast feeding a dead baby and when’s the last time you’ve seen her on the cover of Rolling Stone? And as a bonus, that magazine apparently let’s you change whatever you want about your article even after the fella writes it. I can just see it now… “Burfict Is Purfect: A Story of Spiritual Rediscovery and Super Bowls by Jerry Jones Harvey Milk.”

Listen brother, I gotta go now, but let me leave you with one of my favorite Cowboy sayings… “There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.”

You and Greg are going to be tighter than a bull’s ass on fight night.

Go ‘Boys!

Jerry Jones